i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up under a house in Key West
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
