New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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