genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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