I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
