Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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