Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
