yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
