woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
