She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
