I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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