i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
