i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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