Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
