i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
