I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
