If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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