my soul wont recognize me after tonight
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish life had little blips of pornography
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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