glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize