I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I lost the right to judge tonight
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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