just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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