dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the condom got lost in my hair
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Randomize
