Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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