So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
