I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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