i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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