I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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