just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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