Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
