I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
