Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just want nice things and good sex
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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