Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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