You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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