3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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