Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize