perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
