i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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