6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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