when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
