my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
