The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize