Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
