Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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