I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
