He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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