im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
