her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
