Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
