She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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