I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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