Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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