I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
