Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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