True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
