My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
