I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
