You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
