im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
