I accidentally burped into my bong.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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