I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
