I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
the gays at disneyland are vicious
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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